Call or not call? Will we come to each other? How serious we have? Whether we can live together? Relations in pairs are built step by step and pass certain stages of development. Tips of the psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova.
The unrest of the first dates, the uncertainty of the first night together, unfamiliar rules of life together … Relations are one of the most significant spheres of human life, and therefore many of our anxieties and doubts are connected with them.
For women, personal relations, as a rule, are at the top of the hierarchy of values, but men are also subject to anxiety, especially those who are used to keeping the situation under control: their experience and logic do not help too much where it is about feelings.
It’s normal when a person feels anxiety and even fear of close relationships, but when these feelings are too strong, they can be fatal for the couple. Svetlana Krivtsova offers to look at our fears – because the better we know them, the easier it will be to overcome.
1. Acquaintance: will call or not call?
Their first date has already taken place. And now she is worried: “He will call or not call? Suddenly I said something superfluous, I did something wrong?"He is drawn to the telephone pipe like a magnet, but the soul is restless:“ Suddenly she does not wait for my call? Maybe she didn’t like me?"
Fear of not like, to be not at altitude – these very common fears are more than connected with our personal experience than with the initial phase of relations. What he was?
If a person has once experienced severe pain due to the fact that he was rejected, he will be overwhelmed with conflicting feelings: fear of the possibility of a new pain and the need for love and warmth. Because of this “fear that is sitting inside”, it is difficult to objectively evaluate yourself and the partner, and the situation.
Often, especially in their youth, people enter into relationships actively and desperately-they haunt them with a certain unconscious deficit of something very important. One lacks respect, recognition (it was not enough on the part of the parents).
Others lack heat (they were loved little as a child). Adult boys and girls, having already changed physically, retain this shortage in themselves, like a compressed spring. And enter into relations with a different degree of "compression" – that is, the fear of being deceived in their expectations.
Advice: Ask yourself a few simple questions.
- Whether nobody really likes like me and why?
- Is it really not to this person?
- Why doesn’t he suit me?
Listen to your answers, and you will surely notice that they are distinguished by adolescent maximalism, with which it is time to part. In addition, it is useful to learn how to relax: stop controling yourself in everything;understand that the unknown, as a rule, is alarming.
2. First night: how I will succeed?
The key moment has come. She is worried: “Will he want me? Will he like my figure?"He has one thought:" Will I be on top?"
Intimate relationships give rise to many fears: to be “undressed” not only in a direct, but also in a symbolic sense;To find that close communication with a partner caused a very strong sensation and we are ready to fall dependent on him, lose freedom ..
All masks fly in intimate relationships, and a person https://globalpharmacy24.com appears before his partner as he actually is. The power of fears arising before the first night is proportional to the depth of trust in himself and others.
In addition, an unrealistic high bar is set by literature and erotic films, where there is always some exaggeration – passion, sexuality and idealized concept of “created for each other”. Focusing on the ideal, partners are worried that everything will not go away as they imagined in their fantasies.
Advice: It is important to remember that sexual desire is not associated with aesthetic categories or our sophistication and experience. Appearance matters in eroticism, but not in sexuality. The first night does not play a decisive role – people should get used to each other, including physiological terms, and there is always a chance to catch up.
3. We meet: it’s already serious?
Spend time together becomes a habit. She asks herself: “Does he need a serious relationship or can he still end in a simple hobby?"He involuntarily worries:“ Will this whole story not to burden me too much?"
Partners give each other their energy and time. And, as a rule, they get more than they give. All this is so until we once begin to notice that the balance between “give” and “receive” is violated: giving himself to another, everyone can be either overly mean, or excessively generous.
Any partnerships imply some “scales”, and if a person has a sad experience in violation of their balance, he will calculate the number of compliments and gifts, overhauls and victims, building his behavior depending on the result.
Approaching serious relationships closely, some can choose a flight-because of past failures, unwillingness to attach too strongly, unwillingness to bear such a burden.
Advice: The proximity between partners is a good foundation for a calm conversation. One can explore our own doubts: does our relationship have a future? Which? It is very useful to tell the partner what you expect from the relationship and what are you afraid of in them. And even more useful – to hear what he is waiting and afraid.
4. Life together: will we be able to get along?
They are preparing to start a life together. He is a neatist and doubts: “Will I bear the bohemian mess in which she is used to living?"She is a" owl ", and she is not at herself:" Is he really such an absolute "lark", as he says?"
When people begin to live together, there is a fear of “destroying” the idea that the partner has about us, disappoint him or to be disappointed by himself. Everyone now shows its own true character, ceasing to demonstrate only their best qualities.
Advice: To avoid unpleasant surprises, do not rush to unite under one roof. To begin with, it is worth spending a vacation together – in a resort hotel, in a country or even in a camping tent. The life of two houses can be a good test for a relationship: the relations of the two most independent people are the most stable, to whom life without a partner does not seem to be a scorched desert.
How to develop relationships in a pair
You both: From time to time, summarize the results of a life together: what happened to your relationship, how they changed, what you have reached together? This will allow you to find the answer to the main question: at what stage of relations we are now – both separately? Perhaps something in your relationship will have to be reviewed, and it will not always be easy. But if in time (and regularly) to ask yourself such simple questions, problems, especially difficult ones, can be avoided.
You personally: Remember the most important novels of your life. What were you afraid then? Were your fears really justified? Remember the periods when you were able to overcome them. This will help you in difficult moments of your relationship with the current partner * .
5. General values: do we reason the same?
For his friends, he spoke for a joke about their last quarrel and reconciliation … in bed. She is outraged: “How can he behave so tactlessly?"
To build a strong relationship, it is important to have common values, common views on life. Not all her aspects, but the main ones: what do we think about children and our own parents, about the permissible and unacceptable partnership, about career and housing, about the purpose of each of us. Fear arises when expectations are too different.
Advice: Even before the marriage, tell each other what touches or dislike, learn to talk to each other. It is important to observe a good distance, let the partner respond to a request in his own rhythm, agree and compromise. This is a special art that helps to enjoy even from talking on unpleasant topics.
6. Personal contribution: how we will live on?
They have lived happily together for a year. She dreams: “It would be nice to buy an apartment … more!"He does not want to think about it:" We are so good-why change something?"
The time has come for both. If the two are going to lead a life together, it must be built – to think about children, about the new housing … The real relations of two suggest the appearance of the third, this is the logic of feelings.
The joint fruit can be not only a child, but also some kind of project, a common house-something for which we live together. At this stage, there is a fear of switching to a new step, change of priorities: you will have to change your lifestyle, communicate less with friends, parents – and this may be accompanied by a feeling of guilt and even suffering.
Advice: At this stage of relations in them, it is necessary to invest yourself and their strengths so that the couple is stronger in the face of the surrounding life. It is worth asking yourself:
- Do I like our union, do I believe in his future?
- Do I want our life together to continue further?
If the answers are positive, you just have to deviate from your principles and continue to invest in caring for your relationship.
7. A couple of experience: I’m still scared?
10-15 years later, life together is quite established. She is worried only for children: "The elder would have entered college … And with her husband – thanks, he seems to be all right". He: “Yes? You find that my wife has changed?"
The couple gained their face, created their own story. In everyday life, partners ceased to experience fear or forgot about it. Now it seems that the other is won forever, and we begin to underestimate the partner, we believe that he is not able to seduce others or live independently, without us. But we are mistaken.
15-17 years-a critical age for the couple: children are emotionally separated from their parents, and they remain left to themselves. The question arises here: the person with whom I live is my fate? Not everyone is ready to answer “yes”, many believe that in the future they have a chance to meet a different, real feeling. Longing for great love can make people part.
Advice: Relations in a pair with experience do not become more fragile, but they have less freshness, life: everything is familiar, nothing causes strong feelings. And feelings are like swings: in motion (warmer – colder) they make sense;In a standing state, he is not.
Someone must rock the swing, and it is good if both partners understand this. At this stage of relations, a lot depends on the ability … to surprise each other, to create new holidays and rituals.